Peeking Out

When I was first going through the mess I got myself into, I needed to find a way to regain my mental (and probably physical) health.  I was deep into the darkness of the situation that was completely out of my control.

I starting peeking out into the world.  "Out there" was a much better place than "in here." As a friend once told me, "Never stay long in your own head. It is too scary in there."

I got my first "real" camera in 2010, but really didn't use it much. Photography seemed much too complicated, and I didn't have much energy or capacity at that time to delve into something so complex.  I played with the camera a bit.... These are the very first pictures I took with my Canon Rebel T2i--cringe worthy, for certain...ugh.

I wanted to get better, so I bought a "Groupon" for a lesson with a local photographer.  I was nervous and intimidated, but I made it to the appointment. The professional photographer examined my camera and and told me it was "okay for a starter camera."  I thought, "Hmmmm....that is a shot...and not very nice."

During the lesson, she talked about F-Stops and ISO and Depth of Field.  She quizzed me on the mathematics of the formulas.  And when I got the aperture issue incorrect, she laughed and seemed to take pleasure in making me wrong.  (By the way, not all of photography is "intuitive.")

The final straw that made me put my camera away for nearly a year was when she asked me if I shoot in RAW.  I simply stared blankly and asked, "What is RAW?"  Again, she laughed and said "Never mind."

Are all photographers so snooty and rude?  If so, I didn't want to be one.

(This shot is just for my instructor....nature's answer to mean people.)  

Even though I had a tough experience, I still itched to shoot.  I knew that if I stayed "in here" too long the darkness would continue to take over and I'd never get to see the light again.

Interesting that one of the most important aspects of photography is...the light.

Peeking out into the light motivated me to keep picking up my "starter camera."

The Dark Room

When I first started in photography, I was living in the "dark room." I was emotionally depressed...probably even in a darker place than depression.  I was physically bankrupt, with no energy reserves.  As I look back, I don't know how I survived the dark room.

Every time the phone rang, I cringed, "Now what?"  And sure enough, another drug associated crisis would send my life back into a blinding hurricane of chaos.  So much chaos that I couldn't see the next hit coming.  Years and years of it.

In between bouts of crisis, I tried to heal. The windows of time between the bouts were narrow. Sometimes, I had just a day or two. Often, not even an hour or two.

To heal, I started looking outside of the dark room.  I looked out.  Outside, I saw that there was light. I saw people, seemingly happy...seeming living "normal" lives.  I isolated in the dark room, but began to look out.

My camera helped me capture moments of light.  And when the darkness fell.....yet again...I could look at my photographs.  Looking at my captures brought light to me, even as I was living in the dark room.